Unfortunately, my first post of the new year will not be a happy one. But it doesn't matter, since I've probably lost all of my readership due to my practically month-long absence from posting (not that I had much of a "readership" to begin with).
Anyway, I'd just like to mention that while most people look forward to the long-awaited, 5-week winter break, I feel rather nonchalant about it. I, unlike some I know, don't have 10000 friends who want to hang out with me, or that I want to hang out with (not that hanging out with friends is the most important thing, but what are you going to do for 5 weeks?). I also don't have a group of close friends where everyone hung out together everyday and didn't get tired of one another. My friends all hung around in somewhat separate circles in high school, and I'd hang out with one or two of them at a time when I see them during college breaks. And these "hang-out sessions" are rather mellow and laidback. I also think I grew apart from the people whom I was very close to in high school (but at the same time gained "closeness" with other friends). Bottom line: every time there's a break from school, there are only a few people from high school that I see and even with these people, I wouldn't call them up everyday.
So...what's the problem? Well, there isn't any really. At least, there shouldn't be any. But I'm somehow bothered by the fact that other people I know (whether high school or college) are having a blast with their friends. True, sometimes I don't know for a fact that they are having a blast. But it doesn't matter. It's the fact that I always compare myself to others. Why can't I just be happy with what I have? Whenever one of my friends reveal to me that, say, yesterday, he/she and a few of his/her friends _________ (<--fill in the blank) and had an "awesome" time, I'd always be envious of that and wonder why I'm not doing whatever it is they did. I love attention, especially from those whose opinions I value. So as a result, I plan out a lot of activities in my schedule, too, just so when I hear from my friends about what they did, I wouldn't be too upset. In other words, if I didn't know that others are having fun, I would probably be ok with what I've planned/not planned. I hate this about me. I don't how many times this has got to me in the past but for some reason, I can't help it.
Sure, I miss my family and love seeing them during breaks, but I'd be less happy if I knew that somewhere, one of my friends is at a party, laughing and playing games with his/her friends. It's like this, when other people's happy meter go up, mine goes down (except for the case when I'm with these "other people", then, both of our happy meters go up).
*Sigh* I think this all comes down to how much I let my happiness depend on others. I think I'm letting too much of it depend on others. If anything, it should be independent from others.
New Year's Resolution #1: Don't compare myself to others too much.
and while I'm at it...here are the rest of them:
Resolution #2: Be fit (and lose 10 lbs in the meantime)
#3: Be Better at Bridge
#4: Shop less <--not going to happen
#5: Enjoy my last semester at Cornell
