Feelings about the End of School (forever!)

Scratch the "forever". There is a chance I'll go back to grad school in the future...

Let's see...where do I start?
We'll start with academics. My 4 years at Cornell haven't exactly been great, academically speaking. I think I only started to appreciate my courses starting senior year. I mean, I've had courses that I've enjoyed prior to senior year, but on the whole, I think I've worked the hardest in senior year, taking advantage of office hours*, etc. Prior to this, I think I worked just enough to get by (barely). The reason for this is that (and I'm only starting to realize this now) I don't think I was really ready for college in the fall of 2004. I worked hard all throughout high school. Reading my diary from back then makes me realize that I basically didn't really have a life back then and was pretty much pushed to the limit by my parents and my teachers. (x_x) In high school, everything I did was geared towards getting into college. (e.g. joining clubs, volunteering, etc.) It's sad, I know, because would I really have done these things if they had no effect on my application? Probably not.

Result? I got into Cornell. Consequence? (And these are true for any college, I guess.) Lack of "pushing". Basically, once you're in college, you're on your own. There's no one there to make you feel bad about not doing your work. You don't have to provide a note if you decide to not go to classes**. You don't have to study. Your professors most likely won't be able to tutor you if you're falling behind/need help (i.e. they'll most likely have a few minutes with you and to see them, you'd more often than not have to make an appointment). So to do well, you really need to be motivated, and have a purpose. I did not have this. I was tired of working hard all the time and I really didn't know what I wanted to do. Thus, for the first two years, I didn't really work hard, didn't get help when I needed it, slept a lot, and took a lot of random classes which didn't count towards anything, all of which resulted in my doing poorly.

Another reason that prevented me from doing well was...after cramming 100000 classes*** (mostly core required engineering courses) into my first semester at Cornell and (consequently) not doing well, I (basically) didn't believe that I could do well anymore. In high school, I was a straight A student, but at Cornell, with somewhat of the same effort (I think in the very beginning, I did try to do my best), I only achieved mediocre grades. So after first semester (freshmen year), I pretty much gave up on trying. I think a part of me was afraid that if I tried, and still didn't do well, then I'd feel even worse. And my grades thereafter only confirmed what I had thought--that I wasn't good enough to do well. Basically, I didn't think that I could do well, so I didn't try, and because I didn't try, I did poorly. <--self-fulfilling prophecy x_x

I think all that changed by the end of the summer of my junior year. It sounds corny to say this, but I think spring semester junior year and my internship really helped me to believe in myself and that hard work and persistence really does pay off. And I don't know how many times I've heard this (that hard work and persistence pay off), but I guess I didn't realize the validity of this sentence until I experienced it? Getting the full time position at the place where I interned also helped. When I came back to Cornell in the fall (2007), I knew what I had to do. The internship made me realize the kinds of skills/knowledge I would need in my job (and my field in general). So I added those courses accordingly. And I'm not saying I'm doing wonderfully well ever since I've had this realization, but I'm more happier and the work (even though I still complain when I have to do it) seems less of a means than an end in themselves.

Am I disappointed in my performance for the past 4 years at Cornell? Overall, no. I can only say that this has been a tremendous learning process for me--not particularly a hugely enjoyable one, but a learning process nonetheless.

I'll be blogging about my feelings regarding the social aspect of school next.
Stay Tuned!


*For a really long time, I was really intimidated by professors, so I never really bothered to go to their office hours.
**It's interesting how in high school, people usually say, "I didn't go to school," or "I skipped school today." But in college, although the institution you're going to can be referred to as "school", one usually says, "I didn't go to class today" or "I skipped my class today". I think it has to do with the fact that in high school, the building(s) that make up your school is(are) more or less a central, physical entity whereas in college, everything is more dispersed and (especially at a big school), your classes are likely to be located in different buildings across campus.
***This number is obviously exaggerated. But I just wanted to show that I had little guidance in picking classes and at first, I wanted to cram as much in as I can. <--BAD move.

List of Crazies (continued)

Hm...so...despite the ambitious plan to create a post 35 minutes before a prelim, I decided on a saner idea of using whatever is left of the 35 minutes to prepare for my exam (yay, go me).

So...here's the rest of the last post:

There isn't TOO much more to say. I'm not sure if I should disclose what the 5 things are. Actually...DO I have 5? Yea, I believe I do. But I'm not going to reveal what they are because 1) it might incriminate me in the future 2) I don't want people to guess what I'm talking about 3) there is no 3

Wow...so much for building everyone's anticipation up.

SORRY!

(If you really would like to know, you can ask me, but I might not even reveal it then...bottom line: I haven't really talked about these things too much with people...so unless you're one of the few exceptions, it's unlikely that I'll tell you what they are.)

List of Crazies

Despite the fact that I'll be taking a prelim in 35 minutes, I'm still going to write the following post because when H has her mind set to something, no one, and nothing can stop her.

Last year (precisely a month and a day from today), I blogged about how I'll be graduating in a year and how I need to do at least 5 things to top my list of the craziest things I've done . Well, almost a year has gone by and...let's see.......yep I've definitely accomplished that.