Scratch the "forever". There is a chance I'll go back to grad school in the future...
Let's see...where do I start?
We'll start with academics. My 4 years at Cornell haven't exactly been great, academically speaking. I think I only started to appreciate my courses starting senior year. I mean, I've had courses that I've enjoyed prior to senior year, but on the whole, I think I've worked the hardest in senior year, taking advantage of office hours*, etc. Prior to this, I think I worked just enough to get by (barely). The reason for this is that (and I'm only starting to realize this now) I don't think I was really ready for college in the fall of 2004. I worked hard all throughout high school. Reading my diary from back then makes me realize that I basically didn't really have a life back then and was pretty much pushed to the limit by my parents and my teachers. (x_x) In high school, everything I did was geared towards getting into college. (e.g. joining clubs, volunteering, etc.) It's sad, I know, because would I really have done these things if they had no effect on my application? Probably not.
Result? I got into Cornell. Consequence? (And these are true for any college, I guess.) Lack of "pushing". Basically, once you're in college, you're on your own. There's no one there to make you feel bad about not doing your work. You don't have to provide a note if you decide to not go to classes**. You don't have to study. Your professors most likely won't be able to tutor you if you're falling behind/need help (i.e. they'll most likely have a few minutes with you and to see them, you'd more often than not have to make an appointment). So to do well, you really need to be motivated, and have a purpose. I did not have this. I was tired of working hard all the time and I really didn't know what I wanted to do. Thus, for the first two years, I didn't really work hard, didn't get help when I needed it, slept a lot, and took a lot of random classes which didn't count towards anything, all of which resulted in my doing poorly.
Another reason that prevented me from doing well was...after cramming 100000 classes*** (mostly core required engineering courses) into my first semester at Cornell and (consequently) not doing well, I (basically) didn't believe that I could do well anymore. In high school, I was a straight A student, but at Cornell, with somewhat of the same effort (I think in the very beginning, I did try to do my best), I only achieved mediocre grades. So after first semester (freshmen year), I pretty much gave up on trying. I think a part of me was afraid that if I tried, and still didn't do well, then I'd feel even worse. And my grades thereafter only confirmed what I had thought--that I wasn't good enough to do well. Basically, I didn't think that I could do well, so I didn't try, and because I didn't try, I did poorly. <--self-fulfilling prophecy x_x
I think all that changed by the end of the summer of my junior year. It sounds corny to say this, but I think spring semester junior year and my internship really helped me to believe in myself and that hard work and persistence really does pay off. And I don't know how many times I've heard this (that hard work and persistence pay off), but I guess I didn't realize the validity of this sentence until I experienced it? Getting the full time position at the place where I interned also helped. When I came back to Cornell in the fall (2007), I knew what I had to do. The internship made me realize the kinds of skills/knowledge I would need in my job (and my field in general). So I added those courses accordingly. And I'm not saying I'm doing wonderfully well ever since I've had this realization, but I'm more happier and the work (even though I still complain when I have to do it) seems less of a means than an end in themselves.
Am I disappointed in my performance for the past 4 years at Cornell? Overall, no. I can only say that this has been a tremendous learning process for me--not particularly a hugely enjoyable one, but a learning process nonetheless.
I'll be blogging about my feelings regarding the social aspect of school next.
Stay Tuned!
*For a really long time, I was really intimidated by professors, so I never really bothered to go to their office hours.
**It's interesting how in high school, people usually say, "I didn't go to school," or "I skipped school today." But in college, although the institution you're going to can be referred to as "school", one usually says, "I didn't go to class today" or "I skipped my class today". I think it has to do with the fact that in high school, the building(s) that make up your school is(are) more or less a central, physical entity whereas in college, everything is more dispersed and (especially at a big school), your classes are likely to be located in different buildings across campus.
***This number is obviously exaggerated. But I just wanted to show that I had little guidance in picking classes and at first, I wanted to cram as much in as I can. <--BAD move.
4 comments:
I felt the same way too, except I still haven't quite snapped out of the "stopped trying" phase. I went straight from "gave up " to "senioritis." great huh?
This is interesting. Because I had mostly the opposite experience! In my high school, nothing was really hard, or a lot of work, so I did a lot of extra stuff not because I had college in mind, but because otherwise I would get bored. I didn't even start thinking about college until toward the end of my junior year of high school. But here at Cornell is when I started to work hard. And perhaps like you, I started gearing a lot of things toward getting into grad school. Part of this is probably my advisor - she pushed me HARD. When I affiliated with the CS major, she encouraged me to enroll in some seriously difficult classes that I probably had no business being in. And in the end, it worked out. I hope I don't start slacking off next year! (More like: I hope my senioritis this semester doesn't persist!)
Looking forward to hearing your social commentary. Believe it or not, I have a *lot* to say on that subject that will probably never be said.
I think being here and being surrounded by people that I'm surrounded by - ridiculous premeds and those genius kids who never go to class but still get A's, it's such a disincentive to work since you're under the belief that you won't ever do well enough
Your lack of inner drive worries me. After excelling in high school, shouldn't you have had some kind of personal motivation to do well to propel you through college?
Post a Comment