I'll be There for You Because You're There for Me Too...

I've been wondering about the following question for a long time:

Can guys and girls stay just friends and nothing else?

And today, I've finally come to this conclusion:
NO. (Guys and girls can become friends, but can't stay friends.)

Before I go into my reasoning (which only applies to heterosexuals) behind this, it's very important to define just what makes a friend. (This is obvious but...my definition applies to both people in the friendship.)
To me, a friend is someone:

• you have fun hanging out with
• you're not afraid to be yourself around
• who is similar to you on a lot of levels
  
• who doesn't judge you
• who cares about you (i.e. is there for you when you need him/her to be)
• who has no romantic feelings towards you
  
• who has no intention of dating you

The second-to-last point kind of leads to the last point. But they are very important in that they distinguish friends from lovers (or potential lovers). Of course, there are other distinctions as well, but most of the distinctions are caused by these two points.

Given this, why can't girls and guys be just friends and nothing else?
Because there's no need for them to be.

All of the above qualities of a friend can be satisfied by someone of the same sex. We all have guy friends (if we're guys) and girl friends (if we're girls) with whom we have a ton of fun together, support one another, and to whom we're very similar.

And then there's the mixed gender friends group (i.e. girls' guy friends and guys' girl friends). Why, then, does this group exist? From an evolutionary perspective, it can be argued that mixed-gender friendships exist as a basis for potential mates. That is, when a girl becomes friends with a guy and vice versa, there's always a potential that they could become more than friends (whereas, the potential isn't there for same-sex friends).

So...this then begs the question: Do guys and girls act on this potential?
My answer? Yes. Eventually.
That's why they can't stay just friends.

By "act on", I don't mean blatant declaration of their undying romantic love for one another. Acting on the potential, in this case, refers to gradual developments in the friendship that ultimately, and inevitably leads to romantic feelings for one another.

Do they have to act on it?
No.
But again, if they don't act on it (i.e. if there's no development or growth in the friendship--everything is staying put), they most likely won't stay friends either. Because, as explained earlier, there's no point in mixed-gendered friendships because all the qualities of friendship can be satisfied by same-gendered friendships. (This is something people don't like to admit. Sure, you'll still be friends in the short term, but gradually, this friendship tends to die out when both people realize their interests don't coincide.) The mere existence of mixed-gender friendships means that there's intent on both sides (conscious or not) to become more than friends.

Now, something could happen along the way in this development where one person realizes that their opposite-sex friend is not their mate. When this happens, the development halts, and a romantic relationship doesn't result. What happens next? There are two possibilities:
1) they stay "friends"
2) they don't stay friends

I put "friends" in quotation marks because in this situation, the only way for them to still remain "friends" is if A is still attracted to B romantically and hopes that by remaining friends with B, B will change his/her mind about A eventually. Is this a true friendship? No. As I've defined above, a friend is someone who doesn't have ANY romantic feelings towards you and vice versa. B in this case, might think that A is a great friend, satisfying one end of the equation. But the same thing cannot be said for A, whose intentions precludes them from being true friends with B.

This actually is the case with a lot of mixed-gender friendships. In the beginning, both parties are in the dark as to each other's intentions, which tricks both to think that they're friends, and friends only. At this stage, a lot of the developments are unconscious, that is, there are probably a lot of good feelings on both sides, but both parties are unaware of where this is going or if it is going anywhere at all. Then, eventually (assuming this growth continues*), at least one side will have to acknowledge their feelings by telling them to the other side, which prompts a response from the other side as to their feelings for the former side. (I call this "laying one's cards on the table".) After this revealing of intentions, the friendship will either become a romantic relationship, or it'll slowly fizzle out until the two people are no more than mere acquaintances.

Here is the model I developed to go along with my reasoning:
(Note: The "same" and "different" under "Card Laying" refers to whether both parties have the same feelings for one another, or different feelings; X = end of friendship)
And now, for some interesting asides:

• Despite what I've just argued, I would love for someone to convince me otherwise and show me how it is possible to become and remain friends with someone of the opposite sex because this realization (and the evidence for it) is rather upsetting.
• Sometimes it's hard to gauge whether or not you truly have as many similarities as you think you do your friends/lovers. I find that when you like someone, or you want that person to like you, you mold your interests in a way so that it seems like you have a lot in common with that person. You find ways to expand on things you both like, but this doesn't necessarily mean you have a lot of similarities. You might have a common interest, which you choose to emphasize, thus making it look like a huge similarity. But in fact, it's just ONE common interest out of everything that you do. Conversely, I also find that when you stop liking someone, your "common interests" dramatically decreases.
  

*Because, if it doesn't continue, there won't be a point for them to remain friends.