Ideal Partner

• checks in with me to see how I'm doing, because he wants to, not because he thinks he should
• be genuinely interested in what is happening in my life/work
• be understanding if I have to work late and can't see him on a certain day
• be flexible in terms of his own schedule so that we can see each other more
• plans things with me often, whether it's dinner or a weekend hike or something else to do
• plans when he'll see me next in advance (before he leaves) so that I can also plan things on days I'm not seeing him
• tells me ahead of time if he has plans
• shares with me what's going on in his life, importantly his worries, challenges at work, things going on with his family
• comes to me/relies on me for advice/suggestions with challenges/issues in his life
• communicates to me often how he feels about me
• leans on me as much as I lean on him for emotional support
• communicates in an open, honest, and direct way if he has anything to bring up/during arguments
• not be dismissive, condescending, or say any unconstructive things during an argument
• not afraid to show his emotions during an argument
• forgives when an issue has been discussed and resolved
• surprises me from time to time to show how much he cares about me

Forgiveness is Major

I used to not be a forgiving person. If you ever wronged me, you can be sure I will remember it and hold onto it. But as I grew, I realized by doing this, I'm actually preventing myself from more fulfilling experiences and from enjoying life and being happy. Holding onto grudges and harboring hate are very negative things to do and they are associated with negative emotions. Life is too short to stay mad at someone. So nowadays, I let things go, and by doing so, I'm happier.

However, I cannot say the same for my most recent ex (J). Maybe by virtue of the fact that he's Sicilian (and/or a different reason), he's not a forgiving person. I don't think he ever forgave me for the conflicts we had early in our relationship. He brought up a fight we had 5 months ago and cited that as reason that he doesn't want to get back together when I broke up with him then later wanted to get back together. He cited that again when he ultimately broke up with me. Further, his behavior towards me changed when we got back together. He was more reserved, and I could feel that he didn't trust me, and didn't prioritize me after we got back together. Had he forgiven me, and not held onto the grudges he did, our relationship could have become stronger and better. We could have both grown from our mistakes. Instead, by choosing to get back together but at the same time changed the way he viewed me for the more negative, he made me miserable. It did not help that I'm already an anxious-preoccupied person.

Looking back, I idealized him. I had an idea of the person that I thought he is. But he was not that person. He has his flaws. And forgiveness (or a lack thereof), is one of his major flaws. This just speaks to the fact that he's not the person I'm looking for. Knowing this, I feel more at ease. Moving forward, I will bring this up with my future partners at the right time, to get a feel for their take on this issue.

Thoughts as Facts

After completing the inventory, I'm starting to see that most of the conflict that arises in my relationships have to deal with me wanting to spend as much time as possible with my partners and when this need is not met, I immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm not important, or they don't care about me. Because in my head, I feel that if they feel how I feel, then why don't they want to? I've struggled (and still struggling) a lot to replace this automatic triggering sentiment with something that is more constructive, something that I actually believe, that I'm actually convinced of.

I can start by noting how my interactions have been when I am with my partners, past and present (for the majority of the time, these have been extremely positive). Logically, I have no evidence to suggest that they don't care about me or that I'm not important. Next, I need to let go of specific expectations I have to serve as proof that if they don't meet it, that they must not care about me. At any given time, there may be more than one explanation for an event. And having these rigid beliefs/expectations/assumptions in my head that I then use as fact if they are not met is not reasonable. I'm setting myself up for failure, basically. I need to have an open mind and not jump to conclusions.

Further, we are all individuals with multifaceted lives. How would I feel if my partner wanted to hang out every time I wanted to go to f45? How would I feel if my partner always got upset with me when, from time to time, work got extremely busy and I wasn't able to see them that day or had to cancel something that was planned? Heck, I even cancelled a BOOKED vacation to Maui with an ex because I moved my USMLE Step 1 back. And he was understanding of that. How would I feel if my partner got upset with me if my best friend made a last minute trip to come stay with me because she's dealing with a lot of issues, and as a result, I'm not available to hang out with my partner? Do I care any less about my partner in any of these situations? No. I still want to see them just as much as did before. These are just some things in additional aspects of my life that are important to me and that I need to tend to. Previously, I took it for granted that if any of the above scenarios or anything similar occurred, that my partner is automatically expected to be understanding. Maybe it's because I've had good partners who are understanding, who never had any issues, but I'm more aware of this now and next time something like this comes up for my partner, I will be more understanding.

Additionally, I need to develop more of my own interests and hobbies and form deeper friendships, not for when these situations come up, but for my own personal enrichment. When my life is more enriched with friends and activities, I will be more fulfilled and satisfied. It's important to not rely completely on my partners for emotional support. Life is stressful and entrusting that all in one person can be too much for that person. Next time my partner tells me he has plans to hang out with his buddies, I will pick up the phone and call my friends to go do something.

Currently some of my activities in my spare time include working out, hiking, board games, and hanging out with friends. I would like to hang out with friends and plan things more often. One thing that I have in mind is inviting a small group (1-2 people) over and watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise (my guilty pleasure). Another goal I have is to get into yoga and meditation more.

As I meet new people, I need to be ok with the fact that not everyone will like me--some people will, and some people won't--and that's perfectly ok. I don't need to please everyone and make everyone like me because that is an unreasonable goal that will just make me miserable because this is out of my control. People may not like me for reasons that have nothing to do with me. And vice versa. I don't need to work so hard to make people like me, for me to prove my worth. Because I know I am worthy of love, admiration, and respect.

Fears from A Traumatic Experience in Childhood

When I was around 6, my family moved. I can't remember exactly how long the move was but in my mind, for at least 2 weeks, in the evenings, my mom and dad would put me to bed and leave to go move more furniture after they thought I fell asleep. But I hadn't fell asleep, because I was worried they would leave me by myself. And they did! I had never been left by myself before that point that I can remember. This process was extremely traumatic for me. Even after those nights, for the longest time, after going to bed, I would get up and peek my head into the living room to see if my mom was still there, watching TV. I was terrified of being abandoned.

Looking back, it was inappropriate of my parents to leave me by myself at that point. The 6 year old in me will always be a little sad, hurt, and worried, and justifiably so. As an adult, I carry these fears close to my heart and they manifest in my relationships where my fear of abandonment compels me to seek closeness and take any sign of decrease in closeness as a sign that I'm being abandoned. This is not justified. Knowing what I know now, I understand why I have been feeling this way, but I also now understand that it's unnecessary to feel this way. My partners have shown and proven to me time and again that even when they're not with me, they haven't abandoned me. They still think about me, they still care about me, they still love me. Next time, when my partner is not next to me, instead of jumping to the conclusion that they've deserted me, or they don't care about me, I will instead look objectively at past and present evidence of whether this was actually the case. And if there's any doubt that this (they've abandoned me) is the case, I will relax and not let my childhood fears engulf my adult self emotionally.