Forgiveness is Major

I used to not be a forgiving person. If you ever wronged me, you can be sure I will remember it and hold onto it. But as I grew, I realized by doing this, I'm actually preventing myself from more fulfilling experiences and from enjoying life and being happy. Holding onto grudges and harboring hate are very negative things to do and they are associated with negative emotions. Life is too short to stay mad at someone. So nowadays, I let things go, and by doing so, I'm happier.

However, I cannot say the same for my most recent ex (J). Maybe by virtue of the fact that he's Sicilian (and/or a different reason), he's not a forgiving person. I don't think he ever forgave me for the conflicts we had early in our relationship. He brought up a fight we had 5 months ago and cited that as reason that he doesn't want to get back together when I broke up with him then later wanted to get back together. He cited that again when he ultimately broke up with me. Further, his behavior towards me changed when we got back together. He was more reserved, and I could feel that he didn't trust me, and didn't prioritize me after we got back together. Had he forgiven me, and not held onto the grudges he did, our relationship could have become stronger and better. We could have both grown from our mistakes. Instead, by choosing to get back together but at the same time changed the way he viewed me for the more negative, he made me miserable. It did not help that I'm already an anxious-preoccupied person.

Looking back, I idealized him. I had an idea of the person that I thought he is. But he was not that person. He has his flaws. And forgiveness (or a lack thereof), is one of his major flaws. This just speaks to the fact that he's not the person I'm looking for. Knowing this, I feel more at ease. Moving forward, I will bring this up with my future partners at the right time, to get a feel for their take on this issue.