But If I Do Then I Might Miss You, Babe

I just love how my brain decides, without any reason, to like someone and I'M left with the consequences. I swear there is no logic at all as to why, out of nowhere, I started feeling this way about Mr. Doom. If you asked me why I liked him, I couldn't tell you.

I mean, he's cute, flirty, and is pretty much the life of ANY party.
...
These are good traits, I suppose. But I'm sure there are a ton of guys out there who also possess the same, if not better, traits. So why am I only attracted to him and no one else?

I DON'T FUCKING KNOW!!!

I'll say this though...the "consequences" are not pleasant. To say that I've lived the past week or so in agony is...somewhat of an understatement. :-\

Uh Oh

I'm doomed.

I have fallen for a boy... and by fallen I mean utterly-and-completely-not-myself fallen...as in I've-become-Jeff-from-Coupling fallen...as in I-DON'T-KNOW-WHAT-TO-SAY-AND-ACT-SO-AWKWARD-AND-STUPID-IN-FRONT-OF-HIM FALLEN!!!!

damn it!

damn it damn it damn it

The last time this happened to this extent was...probably in high school. And, yea...that did NOT work out AT ALL...

A lot of my attractions work out because I tend to develop the friendship first, then the attraction. But if I become completely infatuated with the boy at first, there's no hope, zero hope, of it working out.

:(

I think I'll call him Mr. Doom from now on :)

Basically there are three levels for me when I first meet a guy (and "meet" = meeting him for the first time and hanging out with him for a decent amount of time, say, 8 hours):

1. Level 1: Completely and utterly attracted.
   
2. Level 2: Somewhat attracted, see him more as a friend.
3. Level 3: Friend, completely.

Most of the guys I meet fall into level 2 and level 3. When this happens, I can usually handle it pretty well. Sometimes I'll develop an attraction for them after becoming friends with them for awhile.

So if a guy's level 3 when I first meet him, then I'll be completely at ease and feel no discomfort whatsoever when talking to him. I'm completely myself. This leads the guy to find me interesting/smart/funny/etc. and as a result, we become good friends. Sometimes we'll develop a mutual attraction after a while.

If a guy is level 2 when I first meet him, then I'll be somewhat nervous when I talk to him. But that nervousness is still under control. And as a result, he still finds me fun/smart/interesting..etc. And like guys at level 3, sometimes we might like each other as time pass.

If a guy is level 1 when I first meet him, then I'll be incredibly nervous around him. Whenever I talk to him, I can't seem to find anything to say, or say something that's really stupid/awkward. I'll get tongue tied very easily and say really stupid/random things. I'll think about him constantly and everything he does that relates to me I pick apart and analyze to no end. Basically, on his end, he's probably seeing me as someone who's not-so-smart/boring/awkward/ and..worst of all, he'll probably know I like him. And yea, when a guy knows you like him before he likes you/made up his mind about you, you're done. It's over. You and this guy have no chance together.

And it's no use to try to tell myself to "think of him as a friend", because that just doesn't work. Once the switch has been flicked on, you can't flick it back off.

So needless to say, Level 1 guys are the worst...because nothing ever works out with them. What I find myself do a lot of time is to pull away, distance myself, and avoid him because I know it won't work out. I can't change the impression I've already made.

And yea...Mr. Doom is definitely a level 1...unfortunately.

Curiosity Killed the Cat...er...or Rather...Efficiency

Most people who know me will tell you that I'm extremely curious and that I ask a lot of questions. It's true, when I find something that intrigues me, I want to find out all I can about it. So...if I just met you, and all of a sudden I become "the Inquisitor", don't worry, that just means you're interesting.

Anyway, that's not the point of this entry. I think I embrace my curiosity most of the time. It's a good thing to find many things fascinating. I don't mean this as if I'm someone who hasn't really seen the world, like..."oo a spooon....sooo shiny!" I think I've seen and experienced plenty, but I am curious about many things. Some recent things I've wondered about:

• How fighter jets on aircraft carriers take off/land
• Why/How people get acne
• Who is "cat woman" and wtf has she done to her face
• How they build underwater tunnels
• What makes Nick/Starr and Victor/Tammy so effective as teams on The Amazing Race
• What mammal has the longest average lifespan
• and the list goes on...
  

While most of the time, this keeps my life interesting, it can definitely be a hamper to productivity. For one, because I find many things so intriguing, it's hard not to be distracted by them. Recently I've been going to the bookstore a lot, to do research on a certain topic. But I have to say, each time I go there, it takes me at least 30 minutes, if not more, to settle down and do my research. I feel like I can't walk 2 steps without finding a book/puzzle/magazine/game/etc. that catches my eye. And while yes, I'll be entertained (and being entertained is always fun), I'm not sure it's good that I can't focus on my work without being distracted every few minutes. I actually think this might be a serious problem...

It's like one of those diseases where people can't believe that it's actually a disease! Like...persistent sexual arousal syndrome, where you're constantly on the brink of having an orgasm. Most people, when they hear that, think, "wow, awesome! I wish I had that!" Um, no. Even though I'm not one of the sufferers, I don't think it'd actually be fun to have it.

On the other hand, I don't think it's a good idea to suppress my curiosity either.
Yes, it killed the cat
but...
satisfaction brought it back!
OH SNAP!

Incidentally, in case you were wondering what the answers to the above ponderings are:

• How fighter jets on aircraft carriers take off/land

The length of an aircraft carrier is not long enough for airplanes to build up enough speed to take off or to slow down and stop when they land.

take-off -- Catapults on the aircraft carrier are used to basically generate enough force so that the fighter jet bound to it can get enough speed to take off


landing (recovery) -- The pilot of an incoming jet has to attach his tailhook (a hook on the rear of his plane) to one of the 4 arresting wires on the carrier. This is extremely difficult and requires the plane to come in at an exact angle. The actual procedure for this is quite complicated but basically there are these signal lights on the carrier that the crew on deck directs at the pilot. And depending on where he is with respect to the carrier, he'll see different light patterns. If he sees an amber light in line with a bunch of green lights, he's right on target. If he sees the amber light above the green light, he coming in too high; if he sees the amber light below the green light, he's coming in too low. If he's way too low, he'll see red lights.

• Why/How people get acne

There's some debate as to what really is the cause. Some people say it's diet, some say it's genetics, some think it's a combination of both. But no conclusive evidence has come of any of these claims. It's important to note that acne happens when your pores are clogged. And your pores are clogged whenever there's an excessive build-up of sebum (or the oil that your skin produces). So if you can make sure that your pores are unclogged and your face is clean, then it'll lessen it from occuring. There are other causes too, like the p. acne bacteria.

• Who is "cat woman" and wtf has she done to her face

"Cat woman"'s real name is Jocelyn Wildenstein. She's a rich socialite who, when her husband started cheating on her, thought "oo, if I just looked like a cat, I'm sure he'll come back to me!" and spent $4 million dollars on plastic surgery to transform her face to resemble a cat.

...

Moving on!

• How they build underwater tunnels

By using tunnel-boring-machines (TBMs), which has circular disk-shaped cutters that chisel the rock as it rotates. The pieces are then carried out by a conveyor on the TBM. TBMs also provide support for the space they create until something can be put in place.

Another method is the cut-and-cover method, whereby trenches are created on the ocean bed and prefabricated tunnel sections, airtight, are lowered into place. The sections are then connected and the seals between the sections (to keep the water out) are opened by divers and then they are filled with backfill...

I don't understand this fully but the TBMs sound really awesome. (Fact: 11 TBMs were used to build the tunnel connecting France and England)

• What makes Nick/Starr and Victor/Tammy so effective as teams on The Amazing Race

In my opinion, a combination of

1. following directions precisely
2. not making mistakes
3. working extremely well with each other and
4. staying positive
   

• What mammal has the longest average lifespan

I wasn't able to find conclusively what the answer to this is. To my knowledge, I think a bowhead whale was known to live up to 211 years old. Not sure what the average for it is though. Probably still pretty long.

Qualities of Mr. Right

EDIT (12/17/2010): Some of my views have changed regarding this. Please take it with a grain of salt.

Hm...for some reason I think I already blogged about this...x_x
Yep. I did. It's here.
I have to say a lot has happened since then and I've learned a lot.

Not that I'm actively searching for, you know, Mr. Right or anything. I just think I've realized, in the last year or so, a lot more of the qualities I'd want in him.

A lot of these aren't just "standard". It's more of how these qualities relate to me. I think that's the main difference between the other list and this list. In the other list, I've just listed qualities, but not how they relate to me.

Here's the comprehensive list (in order of importance):

Prerequisites -- I feel like these qualities are pretty obvious and are revealed to me pretty soon after I meet someone, if not on that day. And if they don't at least possess these, well, I guess they can forget about the rest of the list.

• Taller than me -- I don't know if people will think of me as superficial, but I think this one's pretty standard. I just don't think it looks right to have the guy shorter than the girl. That said, it would help if he's tall enough so that he'll still be taller than me if I wore heels. But this is less important since I tend to wear little-to-no-heel shoes anyway.

• Not fat -- This has never been a problem, because I've never been attracted to anyone who is anyway. I'm sorry if that makes me mean/superficial, but when he's fat, he becomes unattractive and unhealthy. It's very simple, you'll gain weight if you eat more calories than you burn off. Yes, genetics is a factor too, but I always find that with exercise and the right diet, there is a way to not be fat. That said, I don't like it when he's super skinny either. Some meat is good. :)
  

• Older than me -- This one's not as important to me anymore (because I keep on meeting people younger than me that I become attracted to). But I do have to say, maturity does come with age and, in the words of Megan Fox, "boys in their 20s are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they're immature." OK, maybe that's a little too extreme. But she does have a point in that some boys this age can be immature. (More on maturity later)

• Smart/Confident -- This one's pretty simple. If he's boring, or has nothing interesting to offer (and I'm easily interested in a lot of things), then...well, he's not Mr. Right. "Confident" is listed along "Smart" because they tend to go hand in hand--smart people are usually pretty confident, and confident people are smart (though there are a lot of people who are confident but not smart--I call them douchebags :D). Smart/confident also means he's good at something, if not more than one thing. And letting others see that he's good at something makes him interesting.
  

Actual Qualities -- Friendship also contains these qualities. So I think it's safe to say that he has to be my friend before there's any further development.

• Nice -- I put this one under "actual qualities" because everyone's nice when you first meet them. A person's real "niceness" doesn't come out until you get to know them better. I think this one should go without saying--if he genuinely likes/cares about me, he should be nice towards me. I'm not saying he should lie to me if/when there is something about me he doesn't like, that's not the "nice" I'm talking about. I'm just saying, he shouldn't out right diss, or put me down unless I did something that warranted it, and even then, it wouldn't exactly be a constructive thing to do.
  

• I "click" with him -- Call it compatibility or whatever you want, but there are some people that I just have an endless amount of things to talk about and I'm not afraid to be myself around. Though I've questioned the importance of this one (because, after all, there will be a day where you'll run out of things to say, right?), I've come to realize that not having things to talk about/say to each other despite caring for, or even loving one another, can have negative effects on a relationship.

• Positive/In Control -- I don't think negativity or pessimism can carry one very far in life. To fully enjoy it and not be bogged down by bumps in the road is to be positive and stay positive (and nothing teaches one to stay positive better than The Amazing Race :D) and be in control of one's life. It's important that he believes in himself despite uncertainties. A way that positivity/optimism shows through is the encouragement he gives to others. A negative person is more likely to think "he can't" and be disgruntled, he is more likely to give negative remarks, or even put people down.
  

• Spontaneous -- I'm a very impulsive person, I think of things on the fly, and do them. So it'd be really fun/awesome if he's also like that -- up for anything. (Anything but rollercoasters, bungee jumping, or skydiving. :) Sorry, my impulsiveness has its limits...)

• Honest -- This is pretty important. And I haven't run into problems with this in the past so I won't elaborate too much. I do try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but if there ever was a discrepancy, then it would be very hard to gain my trust back.

• Dependable -- By this I mean, if there ever was a time where I really needed someone, he would be there for me. And I know and trust that he will be there. So, let's say I was in a situation where I really needed help, and he happened to be there and was able to help me, I'd greatly appreciate it, but I wouldn't necessarily think that I can rely on him in the future.

Quality Qualities -- This is where I dive into the "relationship realm". I think the following traits are pretty hard to come by. And I wouldn't demand them in anyone less than a lover.

• Mutual Trust -- This has to be both ways and is pretty self-explanatory. I don't think a relationship can survive if the people involved are always suspicious of one another.

• Mutual Respect -- I think mutual respect comes when both people think highly of each other. I have respect for people who don't just sit on their asses and wait for things to happen. They go after it. They stand up for themselves and for what they believe in. They won't give in or give up until they've tried their best. I speak my mind and what I believe in in a relationship, so I don't think it should be any different for him. I also don't think it's a good idea for him to give in to me so as to "preserve" the relationship. Avoiding arguments is not the way to preserve a relationship--it makes me lose respect for him--and the relationship only goes downhill from there.

• Mature -- This one is really hard to qualify, because so many things can show that one possesses this trait. I'll just give a few examples. Maturity is knowing what to do in situations. If he made plans with friends but can't go anymore, he doesn't just not go without telling anyone, he calls and genuinely apologizes (and maybe comes up with a believeable excuse--true or not). I guess one would call that being responsible. Maturity is being bold enough to tell me how he feels about me and not be afraid of what might come of that. Maturity is making me do things that I should do, but not necessarily want to do. Maturity is putting up with my friend even though it might mean spending less time with me. Maturity is being observant and thoughtful and think about me. This is very important. I feel like someone who's immature, or less mature would only think of themselves, but someone who is mature is more likely to think of others.

• Experienced in bed -- This is a different kind of "mature" but not less important. I don't mean promiscuous here. Being experienced doesn't necessarily mean having slept around a lot. But this does mean knowing what to do please women. Granted, every woman is different and yes, the "difference" is up to me to explain, which I'll gladly do, but there are some general things that appeal to all women. There are "buttons" to push, etc. that'll turn a woman on. And this, I feel, can only come by with experience (and not by just reading a book, listening to others, or watching a movie). It would be very unromantic/un-sexy and a turn-off if he's just groping around, not knowing what's where, etc. I'm not opposed to teaching him about specifics, but if that means I have to teach him everything, that's a little too much... On the other end, even if he's very experienced, he should be open to suggestions (because, like I said, every woman's different) and won't be disgruntled if he tries something and it doesn't work.
  

• Reasonable -- By this I mean "can be reasoned with". I think this might be the most important trait. (I didn't put this at the top because he wouldn't get here unless he possesses all the other traits before this. So I guess in that sense, all of these traits are important.) Although in any given situation, things aren't always black and white, there is usually a "better" thing to do. And I'm not saying that my reasoning in is impeccable and that if I try to persuade someone into doing something, they should definitely do it. There are times where I have been wrong and times where I've been right. I'll admit, I'm pretty stubborn at times, but I'm also very reasonable. If I'm convinced by someone that one path is better than another path, then I'll take the better path. But not everyone is like this. Some people are so set in their ways that they dismiss all other reasoning except their own. This can do a lot of damage in a relationship, because it effectively closes the door on communication. It's very important to be able to "put oneself in another's shoes" and see things from different perspectives, because only then will a person be able to understand the reasoning used by another. It can be very frustrating to make people see things your way if they can't imagine themselves in your position (it also could be that you're an ineffective communicator, but for now, let's assume that you are and he still doesn't understand). On the other hand, if he is reasonable, then this is a very constructive thing for a relationship. It means he's open to potentially changing himself, if he realizes, say, a wrongful act. A person who is not reasonable is unjustifiably stubborn and closed to all changes.
  

I think these actually cover a lot of other qualities, like taking care of himself and others, caring for one another (not exactly the same as the one before), being supportive of each other, open to making sacrifices/compromises, etc.

Optional -- These are things you'd see in an ad-easily definable characteristics that's not too hard to find.

• Likes to travel -- This is actually pretty important. I'm all about the whole going-out-there-to-see-the-world-before-you're-old deal. So it would be much more fun if he's also this way.

• Can cook -- :D I love food and enjoy making it. So it would also be a lot of fun to share this experience.

• Cute -- Up to now I haven't said anything about looks. And that's because, on the whole spectrum of traits, it's not too important. But, it doesn't hurt to look good/cute. :)

• Athletic -- I've never really been a huge sports person...I can be very clumsy...x_X. So it would help if he is not so clumsy and can teach me a few things about not being clumsy. Basically, I like to be active, and an athletic person wouldn't have a problem being active.
  

Practical Factors -- I hate how practicality can be an issue, but gone are my idealistic days...experience and reality have set in...(damn it reality!)

I have to say, if he posesses all of the above qualities I've pointed out, then I still think any relationship would last, despite distance, if any.

So how long is long distance anyway? I quantify it not by the actual distance in miles, but by how frequently and how long per frequency we are able to see each other. I'd say a relationship is long distance if I can't see him for at least 3 days in a 7-day week, every week.

A lot of people aren't willing to be in long distance relationships because of the "pain" it'll cause. There's no doubt that there'll be pain/loneliness/sadness when I can't see him for the amount of time I'd like to and vice versa, not to mention the inability to share enjoyable times with each other. But I do think that if he does meet all of the characteristics I mentioned, and therefore is Mr. Right, then I would be very willing to do long distance with him because I know there will be a point in time when we'll be able to be with each other for an extended amount of time. And all the waiting for that time to come will be worth it.

And there you have it, my all-encompassing, exhausive, comprehensive list of qualities I (and I would think a lot of other women) look for in the perfect guy--Mr. Right. (Though I don't think anyone made it this far...this is by far my longest post. So insanely long!!)

4 Things I Don't Understand

• Fashion scarves. OK. I think this is going to make me sound like a guy ("what are cushions for??!?!"), but, wtf is the purpose of fashion scarves?? From what I understand, the purpose of scarves is to keep your neck warm when it's cold out. Well, you're supposed to wear fashion scarves with tee-shirts, or other loose-fitting apparel, like tanktops with a vest (often topped with a fedora). Yes, they are made of a lighter material, but still! In the summer (or in warm weather), anything wrapped around your neck will make you sweat and feel uncomfortable! I guess I'm saying 1) they serve no functional purpose and 2) they don't even look that good so any sensible person would not wear them. :)

• "Employees must wash hands" signs. I mean, are you supposed to feel safer or that the place you're at is more hygenic? I don't think employees are more likely to wash their hands just because of that sign. I think most of the time, people, employee or otherwise, don't give a crap about those signs. If I were an employee, I sure wouldn't. That is not to say I don't wash my hands after I go to the bathroom. I wash my hands regardless--having the sign there would not have any effect on my washing my hands.
  

• 
• Buying the same piece of clothing or accessory that a celebrity has worn. OK, I guess I kind of get this one. If I see a celebrity that I like wear something that I like, it's going to make me more inclined to purchase that item, whatever it might be. But does this mean I'll buy anything that I see on a celebrity that I like?? No! But sites such as shopintuition.com have cropped up just for that purpose! The logic is: If [insert famous celebrity here] has worn this, then everyone will want it. While that, on some levels, is true, I don't think anyone would, or should pay $60 for these stirrup black leggings just because Paris Hilton has the same pair.

• Men who tie sweaters around their shoulders. First of all, whoever came up with this idea must be a douchebag since it doesn't look good at all--just really incredibly stupid. Also, whoever dresses like this must either be:

1. gay*
   
2. or an arrogant priss

*Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against gay people, I just don't think this style looks good, that's all. It just looks like you're trying too hard...

Now You See Me, Now You Don't?

Apparently, people have a tendency to see me when they hallucinate due to alcohol withdrawl! :)

Er...I'm actually not sure what to make of that...

Daneeka: i learned something hilarious today
me: what
Daneeka: you'll appreciate this
Daneeka: do you know what the most common hallucination is for people experiencing delirium tremens (aka alcohol withdrawl)?
me: um no
Daneeka: it's a PINK ELEPHANT!!!
me: NO
me: WAY
Daneeka: YES
Daneeka: WAY!
me: LOL
Daneeka: ROFL
me: that's HILARIOUS
me: hahahah
me: wow
me: like they actually see a pink elephant?
me: a pink
me: elephant
Daneeka: yup
Daneeka: it's the most common thing to see
Daneeka: and you are one
me: that is sooo funny

Lucidity Times 1000!

I've always wanted to lucid dream, but have not been successful at it. But tonight, I believe I just had my first lucid dream, whereby I was aware that I was dreaming!!

It's interesting how it happened. I definitely wasn't trying to lucid dream (maybe that's what did it). I was lying in my bed, trying to go to sleep. I closed my eyes, and soon I entered that realm of semi-consciousness right before complete unawareness...

I was standing at the start of a dark staircase at night with someone else. He pointed his wand at the open space in front of us and muttered something. Suddenly, a black opening appeared. We both climbed in there.

We were in a room. The room had a dark green tinge to it. There were two or three other people in there--a brunette and 2 guys. The brunette was very nice, but emo. She was talking about making a movie and how one of the guys and I were supposed to help out. I remember thinking she was very chill (as in cool) and I wanted her to be my friend. We all started talking and everyone was laughing. We were having a good time. I think I was paying attention to the guy who was sitting across from me but not saying much.

At one point, they poured me a drink and I, without thinking much, drank it. It appeared as though everyone was drinking. We talked for a bit more. Laughed.

This whole time, I remember thinking once or twice to myself, "wow, this is the coolest, most psychedelic dream ever!"

Then, my vision started blurring. The few lights in the room seemed like bright blurry orbs against a dark background. Then everything started tilting...and spinning. And no matter what I tried, I couldn't get myself to move! I tried opening my eyes (in real life), but all I saw are blurry orbs against a black backdrop! (I think this was an attempt my body made to wake me up.) As I was becoming aware of this, so did the other people in the room. All of a sudden, they were looking at me, smiling sinister smiles. "It's working," one of them said. Then they all laughed. I tried my best to move, but to no avail. They realized what I was trying to do and laughed some more. I started to panic (another attempt by my body to wake me up).

Before I knew it, the person I went with (to the room) were running down a hallway, passing weird creatures that peered at us. While this is happening, the most awesome (but loud) music was playing*, a mixture of rock and trance, I believe. It was quite good. At last we were able to step into the black opening and get back to the start of the stairs at which we started.

Finally, I opened my eyes...and saw my room. It took me a second to realize that I wasn't dreaming anymore.

*This is the first time I've had a dream in which music was playing...Too bad I don't remember the tune...

I promised myself I would get up early to go to work and be productive.

Well, here I am, in the office....BLOGGING!!

At least I got here relatively early compared to the time I have been coming in for the past few weeks...

Alright time to get back to work!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!