Uh Oh

I'm doomed.

I have fallen for a boy... and by fallen I mean utterly-and-completely-not-myself fallen...as in I've-become-Jeff-from-Coupling fallen...as in I-DON'T-KNOW-WHAT-TO-SAY-AND-ACT-SO-AWKWARD-AND-STUPID-IN-FRONT-OF-HIM FALLEN!!!!

damn it!

damn it damn it damn it

The last time this happened to this extent was...probably in high school. And, yea...that did NOT work out AT ALL...

A lot of my attractions work out because I tend to develop the friendship first, then the attraction. But if I become completely infatuated with the boy at first, there's no hope, zero hope, of it working out.

:(

I think I'll call him Mr. Doom from now on :)

Basically there are three levels for me when I first meet a guy (and "meet" = meeting him for the first time and hanging out with him for a decent amount of time, say, 8 hours):

1. Level 1: Completely and utterly attracted.
   
2. Level 2: Somewhat attracted, see him more as a friend.
3. Level 3: Friend, completely.

Most of the guys I meet fall into level 2 and level 3. When this happens, I can usually handle it pretty well. Sometimes I'll develop an attraction for them after becoming friends with them for awhile.

So if a guy's level 3 when I first meet him, then I'll be completely at ease and feel no discomfort whatsoever when talking to him. I'm completely myself. This leads the guy to find me interesting/smart/funny/etc. and as a result, we become good friends. Sometimes we'll develop a mutual attraction after a while.

If a guy is level 2 when I first meet him, then I'll be somewhat nervous when I talk to him. But that nervousness is still under control. And as a result, he still finds me fun/smart/interesting..etc. And like guys at level 3, sometimes we might like each other as time pass.

If a guy is level 1 when I first meet him, then I'll be incredibly nervous around him. Whenever I talk to him, I can't seem to find anything to say, or say something that's really stupid/awkward. I'll get tongue tied very easily and say really stupid/random things. I'll think about him constantly and everything he does that relates to me I pick apart and analyze to no end. Basically, on his end, he's probably seeing me as someone who's not-so-smart/boring/awkward/ and..worst of all, he'll probably know I like him. And yea, when a guy knows you like him before he likes you/made up his mind about you, you're done. It's over. You and this guy have no chance together.

And it's no use to try to tell myself to "think of him as a friend", because that just doesn't work. Once the switch has been flicked on, you can't flick it back off.

So needless to say, Level 1 guys are the worst...because nothing ever works out with them. What I find myself do a lot of time is to pull away, distance myself, and avoid him because I know it won't work out. I can't change the impression I've already made.

And yea...Mr. Doom is definitely a level 1...unfortunately.