The Pessimist

Sometimes I think I set myself up for failure. And failure can equate to 1) getting hurt, and/or 2) becoming disappointed (which could be counted as getting hurt I suppose). In so many situations, I always imagine the worst scenario possible so that I know nothing worse than what I've imagined can happen, and if I'm ok with what I've imagined, then I should be ok if it actually does happen. But the act of imagining itself can actually be quite hurtful. Why? Because I spend so much time thinking about whatever the issue. I use up all of my energy concentrating on all the possible outcomes, especially the negative ones. That's why sometimes I perceive things people tell me in a totally different way than they (the people) actually mean.

For example, a person says something to me and I take it in a way that the person did not intend. Then I might say something back to them that they completely don't expect. And in turn they say something back to me which I'll deem even more hurtful. And it just gets worse from there...

For some reason, I have an innate sense to not to trust guys I like, always viewing them in the most negative light possible. I feel like, whenever I like someone, I become vulnerable. As a result, I hardly believe anything they say (or I try to believe them but convince myself otherwise). And I always leave it up to them to prove themselves to me.

Because of this, I tend to make myself miserable sometimes. But on the other hand, I always feel that if for some reason, I gave these guys the benefit of the doubt, they might not live up to it (i.e. I'll catch them lying or something). And to me, that's the worst thing that can happen--believe someone and then find out that they've lied to you. Besides feeling extremely sad and disappointed, I'd feel so stupid and naive for believing them in the first place. These days, where the world is so liberal and everyone's pretty much free to do whatever they want without being scorned, I feel that I can't be so simple-minded and trusting of people.

Still, I do feel that sometimes I treat them a little too harshly. Would I really be hurt if I believed them? The answer, I think, depends on the guy. If the guy is the lying type, then he'll lie. If he's not, then he won't. Sounds simple, but in reality, this trait is very hard to discern. I think in general, if I let up a little and just be a little more trusting, I'll be more happy.

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Onto a different topic.
I think I'm very spoiled in the sense that I always get what I want. Well, not everything, but for enough things so that if I don't get something that I want, I'll get very, very upset. People who love me put up with that and I think I'm just so used to it that I tend to forget that those who don't love me don't have to put up with me. And as a result, I won't get my way. Indeed it's a very disheartening thing to realize. But that's life. Those who care about you will cater to your every need and those who don't, won't.

There has been a few times recently where someone didn't cave in to doing what I want them to do and I became extremely, albeit very unnecessarily, upset. It's almost as if I think they should do what I want them to do when there's no reason for them to. As a result, I became increasingly frustrated because I just didn't understand why they wouldn't just do the thing I want them to do for me. And then the day ends on a bad note because of my incessant complaints.

There is a lesson to be learned here, and that is I can't always take for granted that everyone will do whatever I tell them to do--some will, some won't. And if someone didn't do what I wanted them to do, there is no reason to get upset at them. They're not obligated to oblige.